Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dick Rambone Cock Dildo by Doc Johnson Review

My, my, my, he’s a big fella. I want to point out that before you consider purchasing this product that you take into consideration just how BIG it is.

When I got this in the mail, I couldn’t help giggling like an idiot at the large USPS package it came in. It was rather heavy and I could smell a strangely sweet, but putrid smell from the outside which I correctly assumed was coming from the toy itself. I opened it up to view with wide eyes, a cock monstrosity. It felt like I was staring at something from Animal Planet or a prop from a monster-cock alien sex porn.

Packaging: The toy comes in a massive plastic case that is extremely marginal for storage. It is easy to open. In fact, the weight of the dildo popped open the lid. The case includes a background which is made to look like a dollar (or perhaps $100) image. It proudly reads that one size fits most. I’d like to see where the manufacturers are getting their statistics from.

Material: The dildo is composed of Sil-A-Gel. It’s smooth, semi-porous and made of an anti-bacterial agent. The thing also stinks to high heaven. Apparently most pvc products include Cadmium which can cause cancer, but this particular type of pvc is Cadmium-free (Oh thank God).

This type of material is prone to dust and debris latching onto it, so remember to keep it well-stored and clean. The toy only needs warm water and a mild soap to clean it. The suggested lubricants for this product are water and silicone.

Dimensions and Shape: I was so thrilled by the idea of a bigger toy. I was attracted to the length, knowing that a whole 14.5” would be far too much for insertion, but it could be fun to own it just for the hell of it (I have the humor of a 12-year-old boy and think that large penises are funny). I was obviously just thinking about the visual (or humor aspect) rather than the practical application for my vagina.

Somehow, I completely overlooked the most important spec. It’s 7” in diameter; count it, 7!” This toy is certainly not for beginners or even the average user. I would consider this toy best suited with someone who is very experienced with larger toys, and even then, it’s still incredibly large. If you can fit this inside, there’s no way you can manage to hold onto it with one hand for use, unless you have larger hands.

Note that this toy is also incredibly heavy. I have no way of weighing this thing, but it weighs a few pounds. My guess is that it weighs in between 3 and 5 pounds. The dong itself is incredibly strong and looks like it could sustain some heavy abuse (however the same may not apply to your vagina or ass, so be careful for Christ’s sake).

It includes a heavy-duty suction cup on the very bottom of the dong. I tried using the suction-cup and found that while it is strong, it is no match for the crushing weight of this giant penis. However, my roommate was able to get the dildo to stick to a TV screen (there is a picture of later in this review). If you plan on using the suction cup, you might need a person to be your setter (sports, anyone?).

It was clear that this toy was going nowhere in my body so I enlisted the help of my trusty gay roommate who found a variety of non-sexual ways to use the dildo with the help of his frat brothers. During my absence from town over spring break, I was informed via text message on a semi-frequent basis of the fun things that ensued.

“Add to your review: works great for kickball-baseball, but you can’t run very fast with it in your pants. Can also be used for basketball, but it’s difficult.”

“It’s a self-defense object. It’s better than mace.”

Upon returning, I learned that it became a very popular game to chase people with the dildo and at least five people had been slapped with it. People had also smuggled it in their pants while going into public for the sheer novelty of having a giant dildo in the front of their pants.

My roommate also informed me that it taught him something. He had never before understood the phrase, “Is there something wrong with your knee?,” a phrase that I had never heard before, but understood immediately upon hearing it in context (I’m assuming that this is pretty obscure).

I have since decided to let my roommate keep it as a gift for his birthday, just in case I can’t afford to buy him something. He’s getting a lot more enjoyment out of it as a gag gift than I could from the sheer amusement of me owning a sex object that can’t fit anywhere in my body.
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